How can we help a dying relative attain emotional closure with an unforgiving relative?

From Doreen Eichler

Answer Podcast

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-T5hxN_RvVw

Transcript

This is an AI-generated transcript and may contain some errors.
Hare Krishna, question from Dori Naikalamata ji, How can we help a dying relative attain emotional closure towards an unforgiving relative? My grandmother is close to death but she is unable, she is not leaving her body and there has been always a lot of conflict between my grandmother and my mother and my grandmother longs for the love of my mother but somehow my mother is pretty unforgiving, doesn’t reciprocate with her and what can I do in such a situation? I heard your podcast about emotional closure and how to help a relative in time of death and that’s why I am asking this question and what will happen to my grandmother if she is not able to fix these things over here, if she is not able to solve this issue? Answer, emotional closure is desirable but it is not always possible, it often happens unfortunately that we, that sometimes some people hold on to past hurts so much that they don’t want to give up those hurts even when some relative with whom those hurts are associated is about to die. Generally speaking when a person is about to die it’s best that we forgive and forget because that person is not likely to cause us any more hurt. So better to end that and if in the future our affection for that person awakens, we come to know something positive about that person and then we desire that oh I should have clarified and I should have restored my relationship with that person but then we would have no opportunity because that person would have died.
So now there are three aspects to this particular situation, how you can help your mother, how you can help your grandmother and what you yourself can do independently of it all. So firstly with respect to your mother, if you have a relationship and there is a possibility of helping her to see the value and give the necessity of forgiveness and letting go of past hurts that will be very helpful because if say, as I said we hold on to the hurts, whom are we actually hurting? When we feel that we are hurting that other person who has hurt us in the past and even if there is truth to that feeling of hurt, but still when we hold on to grudges often they hurt us more than that other person especially in intimate relationships where the relationships cannot be broken and where we have cared for that other person, sometimes the antipathy, the anger, the unforgiving holding on to a hurt is also just the oversize of a strong of a deep-rooted affection. If we didn’t absolutely care about a person, then we would not even care to continue to hurt that person and essentially by holding on to that hurt we are continuing to hurt that person especially when that person is seeking forgiveness or seeking at least reconciliation.
So now what can we do if we recognize that as I said earlier if in the future we desire reconciliation and that person is gone that will not be possible then the memory of the hurt which we have held in our heart and the memory of the hurt which we caused to that other person that will stay forever and that can become an unnecessary emotional burden for us that we may have to carry for many many years. So that way the desirability of giving up past hurts can be communicated but in case that is not possible or that person is not ready to give the past hurts now for whatever reasons I am not saying that the past hurts are false but it simply when we say that we forgive or let go of past hurts that does not mean that whatever wrongs have been done those wrongs were no longer wrong it simply means that we don’t let the past we don’t give the past the power to control our present we take that power on to ourselves and we make our decisions based on not what has happened in the past but based on what is best for the future for our future and for others future so often holding on to a garage is like holding on to a burning iron coal in the hope of hurling it at an enemy but that burning iron coal in our hands will burn us far more than what it will burn the other person and beyond that regarding the grandmother if at all still the reconciliation is not possible from the mother’s side then at least from your grandmother’s side there can be some venting of the emotion so that there is relief if the grandmother is in the condition that she can speak out her heart even if the mother is not ready to hear and then that can be recorded and that recording can be later given to the mother at whatever time is appropriate so if the grandmother at least expresses her love expresses the clarification whatever might be there for the misunderstanding tells her side of the story may not be true but at least speaking that story gives emotional vent, gives emotional release now as long as emotions are pent up in our heart they just congest our heart and there they make us feel inhibited, choked, depressed and helpless so at the very least that venting will help in getting some level of emotional release and as from your side you can try to bring about this reconciliation and you can pray to Krishna, pray to God for this reconciliation and actually far more important than emotional closure with our relatives is our emotional connection with God and especially that is all the more vital when we are near our final moments because when we are in the journey of life at that time most of our emotions are consumed in our relationship with others in this world with our various relatives and that’s natural but when we are about to die that means our emotional connections with people in this world are about to end and so if we can have emotional closure that is good but that will help us to leave from here more painlessly but beyond that there is also the point that where are we going and what are we connecting with so that depends on what our emotional attachments are Krishna described in the Bhagavad Gita in 8.5 and 8.6 the law of last thought the law of last thought is that whatever we remember at the time of death that is what we will attain whatever we remember at the moment of death that becomes manifest in our future so for example if a relative dies remembering if a person dies remembering a particular object say if a person dies remembering a pet dog then that person may become a dog in future life so our destination is dependent is determined by our disposition at the moment of death and that’s why Krishna recommends that we remember him so that Krishna who is the one God who is mentioned in different traditions he manifests himself in different ways and helps us to remember him so remembering Krishna is the single greatest single best thing that we can do at the time of death and that we can help others to do so of course depending on one’s cultural conceptions and the dying person’s situation they may or may not be able to remember Krishna they may or may not be disposed towards remembering Krishna but there is quite often very nice spiritual music which has the kirtan dhuns which has the music which is music comprised of the singing of the names of Krishna so much such music will be available in the internet and if you can find this some music and then play that in the background and if your grandmother is somewhat interested you can yourself study some of the philosophy of the scriptures of the Bhagavad Gita and try to explain it to her but even if that is not possible just having spiritual music having the chanting of the names of God in a musical way going on in the background that can help in bringing peace in the mind and that can help establishing a connection with Krishna with God and that so that spiritual connection the power of that spiritual connection is far greater than whatever might be the power of emotional closure or lack of emotional closure and by that you can help your grandmother to get relief and that is the best relief so if emotional relief is possible through reconciliation you can try your best for that but even if that is not possible and even if it is possible more important much more important is the spiritual relief that comes by devotional connection with God and that can be done by cultivating his remembrance ideally we are meant to practice remembering Krishna throughout our life practice devoting ourselves to God throughout our life so that we can remember him at the moment of death but even if someone has not done that still we can try to provide as many facilities as possible in the external environment of the dying person so that that person can remember God at the time of death and through those external stimuli the transition that is death can be can become more eased can become eased and can become more auspicious and thereby whether there is emotional closure or not if there is a spiritual connection then there will be an auspicious destination after departure from this body Thank you