How to deal with relatives who hurt us by their ego and negativity?

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Transcript

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if someone a close relative has an attitude driven by ego or negativity and there is injuring people around them what do we do we can’t abandon what to do with that person its injuring them and injuring others around them both of them see there are broadly problems that can be classified in three categories there are direct action problems that means problems which we can change by our actions we speak or do something which spark others off which make them irritable and we change our behaviour then there are indirect action problems indirect action problems means somebody else has to change and we can only inspire we can only maybe guide or we can exemplify and we can wait for them to change and there are third which are just no change problems for example I want to go out but its raining I can’t do anything about it so the first thing is that if we take ownership of a problem that is not in our power to solve then we crush ourselves unnecessarily that means if somebody else is in every relationship we can say maybe my behaviour is also a problem and that person’s behaviour is also a problem but if we are objectively observing sometimes some other person’s behaviour may be a far bigger problem than our behaviour so if we find out that that other person is the primary cause of the problem then burdening ourselves with the responsibility to change them that can crush us and that can prevent us from doing what we could normally have done also so recognizing that we are not in control of others behaviour although at one sense this may seem to be irresponsible or insensitive or uncaring it is not by recognizing this reality afterwards we can take steps for what can be done so if we take ownership of a problem which we do not have the power to solve then we burden ourselves unnecessarily so if this person’s behaviour is a problem it’s not something which I can do directly then it goes into second or third category third is that I just have to live with this we may feel that how can we just live it’s so problematic but when we say live with it does not mean that we never try to change anything about it if it’s raining that doesn’t mean for the rest of my life I am going to stay in this room itself yes the rain will stop and even if the rain doesn’t stop maybe I can ask someone to get umbrella I can find a raincoat or whatever but as long as I am resenting the reality or blaming myself for the reality both ways my mental energy is diverted from finding a practical solution to the problem so that first of all if somebody else is behaving with the problem don’t blame, we shouldn’t blame ourselves that will waste a lot of our mental energy nor should we think that we have the power to change that person for every individual the door to inner change is a door that can be opened only from inside we can only inspire, in all our relationships we can do three things basically we can provide knowledge it depends on whether that person what our relationship is, provide knowledge this is right, this is wrong we can offer an example this is how this should be done in our own life we can show an example and third is we can facilitate provide some facility in a practical way to do things so knowledge, example and facility these are the only three things that we can do to change anyone and beyond that it’s up to them now although we cannot abandon a particular relationship but if a relationship is enduring us then we can find out ways in which we can create some safe distance in the relationship where we have some buffer by which we can at least we can we don’t we can unduly we can invite some zone where we can recover where we can strengthen ourselves where we can, so that’s what I talked about the vertical relationship with God that also helps us to recoup from whatever blows we may get in our horizontal relationships but with respect to so I was talking all this from the third action sometimes it’s just not possible to change but it is also possible to change and to inspire others to change but we have to find out what is the way in which we can express our loving concern for them in a non-judgmental way see ultimately even when a person is acting out of ego or negativity every heart longs for love and just like sometimes some people are hypochondriacs because they pretend to be sick so that other people will give them some attention so their pretence of sickness is basically a call for attention so like that even people’s egoistic or negativity driven actions they are also ultimately calls for affection and love because they feel unloved because they feel uncared so in a perverse way they act in these ways so if we can find out what is the way in which we can express love for them in a way that reaches them if people feel love when people see ego what is ego? the whole idea of wanting attention trying to pretend to be the center of the universe that’s what ego is that is a distorted way of wanting love now we can get love from others if we act in a loving way but instead if we act in a dominating way then we get attention but we don’t get affection we may get attention sometime but it’s basically that same same need for love which is expressed in a distorted way so if we can find out ways in which we can reach them address that need for love fulfill that need for love then their their natural expression of love will enable them to overcome that negativity this may seem a little abstract and every situation will vary from place to place from person to person but why? so that means without blaming ourselves for other person’s wrong behavior and without expecting immediate change except in this situation it is now then we try to find out how we can from the Bhagavad Gita’s philosophy even a person in negativity or egoistic at the core even that person is a pure soul but there is a covering which is making that pure soul behave in injurious ways so that covering can be removed over a period of time by the by connection with God but quite often in such situations people are not ready to be connected with God so then we may have to in some way become the connector with their heart and eventually connect them with God so how that will happen we may not immediately build a person so one thing that helps is praying for that person praying means not just that praying that that person change that is fine but praying also how can I help this person and chanting the names of Krishna that also is a form of prayer the mood is that Krishna please engage me in your service please guide me how I can serve you what should I do in this situation so even if we don’t change that person by prayer immediately prayer can help in removing the negativity in our mind about that person it’s not that by saying removing the negativity doesn’t mean that that person is doing something wrong we don’t hold the person responsive but it’s just that if we understand this point that that person is also a soul like me who is covered by conditionings and ok those conditionings may be much more than what I have and that’s why that person is behaving in a harmful way but when we see that person as a victimizer then the whole relationship becomes adversarial and if we are in a family situation then an adversarial relationship will make a home into a war zone we don’t want that so if we can pray for that person then our vision shifts from that person is not a victimizer that person is also a victim it’s like I have my conditionings that person has his conditionings his or her conditionings and now because of this condition that person is hurting me and I am not whitewashing that it’s not that I am going to passively accept all that but just shifting that focus this person is also a victim and we pray please help him overcome this help her overcome this then that prayer creates a positive disposition towards that person and that itself may give us the ideas the intelligence of how we can reach out and help in due course we will be able to find out whether it’s in that no change where we just have to live with it or whether this is something which we can do to change and how we can go and change it but in general if we ourselves strongly connect with Krishna then even if that person is radiating out negativity that negativity will not affect us so negatively because we will be connected to the source of positivity otherwise what happens is their negativity makes us filled with negativity and then both of us are radiating negativity towards each other that becomes very harmful