​If someone has hurt us, how can we forgive them?

Answer Podcast

Transcript

This is an AI-generated transcript and may contain some errors.
if someone has hurt us intentionally or unintentionally how can we forgive them there are three different aspects which should not be confused there is forgiveness as an emotion and there is forgiveness as an action and there is forgiveness as understanding and forgiving forgiving the intention of the person forgiveness as an emotion forgiveness as an emotion means that as long as we hold a grudge against people it is we who hurt ourselves more than them now holding a grudge against others is like carrying a burning piece of coal with us hoping to hurl it at someone whenever we may get to hurl it before that we are carrying it for so long so forgiveness burns us much more than it hurts others so not forgiveness but revengefulness that burns us much more than others so forgiveness as an emotion is something which is good for us so you think whatever has happened at some level nobody can do anything without a sanction of God so even if this person has hurt me ultimately it must be some bad karma that I had done in the past because of which this has happened to me so forgiveness as an emotion is good for our own emotional health and by looking at that whatever has happened is because of my past karma we can forgive that as an emotion it is actually enlightened selfishness it is for our own good that we forgive but that is just the first stage of forgiveness forgiveness as an action is something which is different that means if somebody has done something wrong what is going to be the effect I may say ok I am not going to do anything I forgive and forget but if that is going to make those people feel that they can again and again get away with similar wrong things then by forgiving the principle of forgiveness has to be counter balanced with the principle of justice and if that person even if it was intentional at that time even if it was accidental they did not understand what they were doing then at that time forgiveness as an action is also fine because that was accidental it was not malicious so they are not going to do it again and they are not going to use forgiveness as a license for doing it again and again see the Pandavas we see repeatedly they forgive the Kauravas they poisoned Bhima they tried to burn them alive they were ready to forgive at that time but when they tried to dishonor Draupadi at that time the Pandavas were like this is just going too far and Krishna himself told now you have to take exertive action so forgiveness is an important virtue and quite often we become vengeful about small small things so in today’s culture forgiveness is often much more needed because otherwise we just hold on to grudges too much but forgiveness is not a singular virtue at the expense of everything else at other time there is a principle of justice also which is important so in a relationship we can forgive others but we can’t always trust others this is the third thing I am talking about intention now forgiveness is for the past trust is for the future and the two are different for what people have done in the past we may forgive them but that does not mean that we can trust them forgiveness can be given but trust has to be earned they have to show through their actions that they have learned their lesson that they are not going to do this again so if we equate forgiveness and trust then we will not be able to forgive also forgiving someone doesn’t mean trusting that person forgiving someone simply means that we don’t hold a grudge against that person but trusting means we allow them to come close we give that which is valuable and important to them to take care of or to administer so a person who has done wrong immediately trusting them again may well be irresponsible on our part so if a child is there and the child has irresponsibly lost a lot of money the mother again I forgive you and again enters a lot of money that’s not forgiveness or that’s not a sensible thing to do a child has to show that he has learned the lesson and is careful about money this is a simple example I am giving but the point is that trust is something which the other person has to earn so for our own emotional health we can forgive and then we are not holding a grudge against them but practically what we need to do so that that particular behavior is not repeated that will vary according to the disposition of the person according to the way that person is either changing or not changing and in some cases that person changes probably truly regrets and repents then we can that forgiveness will transform into trust otherwise if that person has hurt us and is not ready to even acknowledge that I made some mistake what to speak of, do something to correct it then we may have to create some safe distance between us and them so that we are not hurt again this is a big subject, I have a full seminar on Is Forgiveness Practical and on my website thespiritualscientist.com there is also a full article on this topic but if we just broadly understand this, forgiveness is good for our own emotional health forgiving is not the same as trusting and depending on the way they reciprocate what our forgiveness means in practical terms whether we allow them back into our trusted circle or we keep a distance between them that we will have to see based on timely circumstances