Sensitivity in relationships 1 – Why we need to be sensitive and why we aren’t

[Seminar at ISKCON, London, UK]

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Transcript

This is an AI-generated transcript and may contain some errors.
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grateful to be here amongst all of you and I’m sorry got a little late caught in the traffic coming from the manor. So I will be speaking on the topic of cultivating sensitivity in relationships. And broadly I’ll speak based on the theme of, firstly today we’ll talk about what is the need for sensitivity and how sometimes in religious organisations we knowingly or unknowingly practise the opposite of sensitivity, that is judgmentality.
And then I’ll talk about what sensitivity is and what sensitivity isn’t. And then we will talk about the importance of sensitivity in dealing with devotees, in dealing with new people who are prospective devotees and with people who are following other paths, other religions, other spiritual paths. So what is the role of sensitivity in these? And I’ll talk based on scripture also and some contemporary examples.
So firstly let’s begin with what does sensitivity mean? Sensitivity means that we are aware of other’s feelings. And not just other’s feelings, more specifically we are aware of our, of the consequences of our actions on other’s feelings. That means a simple example could be, say if some people have difficulty with loud noise, sometimes some people are elderly or some people have some diseases, then to talk loudly they just get very irritated.
Sometimes people may wear some ear blocks also to avoid the sound. Now if we are with them, then we tend to talk softly. Or other example, somebody is poor at hearing, then we may talk slowly with them.
Or we may talk at a slow speed or at a high volume. If somebody can’t see with their eyes, then if they are trying to cross the road, we will either help them to cross the road or we will let them go first. So basically at a physical level, if some, we may be talking at a particular volume normally, but if that isn’t suitable for some person, then we adjust so that we can have proper communication with them.
If the voice is too large, too loud, it may greet them. If it’s too small, it may strain them. So when it comes to physical ability, physical situations, we tend to be sensitive.
I travel to different countries and in different countries, when two people are talking with each other, what is the comfortable distance between the two people? It is different. In some countries, when people talk, they come very close to each other. And in some countries, if you come too close, it is considered you are intruding into their physical space.
So then, if you come too close, it is considered as indecent, impolite. And in some countries, if you keep a distance, they think you are so uptight. So actually, we may just be being ourselves, but while being ourselves is a good thing to do, but if while being ourselves, we are unnecessarily creating some agitation in people’s minds or creating some unwanted perception in their minds, then we can try to adjust that.
So sensitivity means being aware of what is the effect on others of our actions. It can be our words, our gestures, our posture, whatever. So when we are aware of this, then we can respond appropriately.
We can modulate our behaviour appropriately. When we are not sensitive, then we end up creating agitation in people’s minds. So as devotees, on the path of Bhakti Yoga, Bhakti Yoga is ultimately a relationship.
It’s a relationship with Krishna and not just with Krishna. It’s also a relationship with other devotees of Krishna. Even in the spiritual world, we have relationships with others.
And in the relationship with others, how we relate with other devotees also reflects and affects our relationship with Krishna. How we relate with others, it reflects and it affects our relationship with Krishna. That means, reflects means, if somebody is deeply spiritually conscious, then somebody is deeply spiritually conscious, then they will be compassionate to others.
Then they will be kind to others. One of the characteristics of the devotees, it’s interesting in the twelfth chapter, Krishna from 12.13 to 20 describes the characteristic of devotees. And he says, these devotees are dear to me.
So it’s interesting, Krishna is talking about devotees, but he’s saying when the devotees have these qualities, then they are very dear to. Devotees in general are dear to Krishna, but devotees who are enriched with certain qualities, they are very dear to Krishna. And there the first quality Krishna says is, adveshta sarva-bhutanam, maitra-karuna eva ca, adveshta sarva-bhutanam.
One who is not having any negative feeling towards anyone. On the other hand, maitra-karuna eva ca, other hand is very compassionate, kind, friend of everyone. This is Krishna’s first characteristic of a devotee.
So a devotee is defined not just by how they relate with Krishna. Devotee is defined also by how they relate with others. In the Bhakti Rasa, in the Updesha Amrit, the Nectar of Instruction, three levels of devotees are talked about.
Does anyone know the words for these three levels? Kanishta, Madhyama and Uttama. Thank you. So now if you consider the difference between these three.
Kanishta, Madhyama and Uttama is how much they perceive God everywhere. Kanishta, they perceive God only in the temple. For them, they go to the temple and worship God and they leave.
That is Kanishta. So for them, God’s presence is reduced to the temple. And there are some pious people in various religious traditions.
They may be very submissive and prayerful and humble in front of God. But as soon as they come out of the temple, come out of the church, come out of the mosque, they become a different person. They shout at others, yell at others, they are rude.
They are completely two-faced. So in this case, they think that if I just go to the temple and worship God, then I am a devotee. But the defining characteristic of Madhyama is that they understand that their relationship with God is determined not just by how they behave with God, but also how they behave with others.
So, Ishvare tadadhineshu balisheshu dvishadsucha prema maitri krupopeksha yaha karoti samadhyama It says that there are four broad kinds of living beings. Ishvara, that is Supreme Lord. So towards Him, He is our object of love.
Prema, we want to have love for Him. Then tadadhineshu, devotees, maitri, friendship towards the devotees. Balisheshu, those who are innocent, towards them compassion, krupa.
Those who are envious, towards them upeksha, keep a distance from them. Now, that means the Madhyama Adhikari, the middle level devotee understands that my relationship with God will be reflected in how I relate with others. So most people, most of us may have, even before being introduced to Krishna Consciousness, known about God.
Many of us may have even believed in God. But for us, that generic belief in God transformed into a life devoted to God primarily because of associating with some devotees. So the relationship with devotees is what intensifies and accelerates our relationship with Krishna.
So how we relate with others, it reflects how we perceive God. If I understand, God is not just present over there, He is present here also. So then, just as in the presence of Krishna, we would be respectful.
We would say, this is God. Even if we are angry, if we are angry, we will not yell at someone in the temple. This is a sacred place.
This is not a place where I should give in to my impulses. You may be angry, but let’s go out and talk. So that is, we understand that in the presence of Krishna, I should behave in a particular way.
So if I understand that, similarly with others also, I am meant to behave in a particular way, in a proper way, in a sensitive way. Sensitive means, now with respect to relationships, all of us while living in this world, we are immensely affected by relationships. In fact, one of the main reasons in today’s world why people come to a spiritual path or a religious path, there is a difference between the two.
We may discuss that later. But in general, why people look for something beyond is because they want a sense of belonging. They want a sense of community.
They want relationships. In the past, whether it is the East or the West, people had joint families. Now, as the socio-economic structure of industrial civilisation, post-industrial civilisation started dominating most of the world, then the joint families became unsustainable.
So then we started having nuclear families. And now, as post-modern relativism is coming, has started spreading, even the nuclear families, there is nuclear fusion. And then we have isolated protons and neutrons, you know, just orbiting around in the vastness of the concrete jungles of today.
So, one of the main problems when people feel is a sense of disconnectedness, a sense of alienation. We want to be a part of something bigger than ourselves, be it a family, be it a community. So, one of the main reasons why people come to any religious or spiritual group is because they want a sense of community.
Yes, ultimately we want to develop love for Krishna. But that philosophical motive is not the primary purpose for which most people come. And that philosophical motive is not what sustains people’s stay.
In the Bhagavad Gita, Krishna says there are four kinds of people who come to him. Does anyone know these four categories of people? Yes. Yes.
Thank you. In English anyone? Inquisitive, distressed, the desirer of wealth and the seeker of knowledge. Yes, thank you.
Now in Kali Yuga, four kinds of people come to Krishna. The distressed, the distressed, the distressed and the distressed. Even if there are few people who are seekers of knowledge, now there is so much knowledge to seek.
There are so many channels for like discovery, there is so much online information available. People just get inundated by that. So, even those who are seeking knowledge, even those who are seeking other things, it is primarily when they are afflicted that they turn towards Krishna.
And one of the greatest afflictions in today’s world is caused by relationships. Now, I have given a series of seminars on overcoming fear. I am planning to write a book on that topic.
So, I was studying what are the prominent fears of people and how they have changed over the centuries. So, two fears have been prominently added in people’s list of fears in this century. One of them is fear of terrorists, which is understandable.
There have been so many terrorist attacks and they cause a lot of fear. In the past also wars took place. But in the past the wars that took place were generally not involving civilians.
So, but today the terrorists, the Kshatriya principles based on which sometimes people say that Bhagavad Gita also talks about a holy war. So, how is that different from the, say Jihad is talking about a war. It’s very different.
Because the Bhagavad Gita’s war was not fought with civilians as the targets. Because in a field outside not a single civilian was injured in that. So, they fought using three Kshatriya codes.
The codes of warfare were involved that, you fight with the opponent who is equal, who is armed and who is alert. That is the elephant warrior will not fight with the food soldier. Fight with the equal.
Fight with one who is armed. And fight with one who is alert. So, this was the standard on which they fought.
Now, sometimes the Kauravas violated that. And then the Pandavas also occasionally violated that. But the important thing is that this was the code on which they fought.
But the terrorists, they violate all these three. They attack people who are not equal, who are not armed and who are not alert. So, the nearest that it comes to in the Mahabharata is Ashwatthama, killing the sleeping children of the Pandavas at night.
So, Ashwatthama is universally condemned by everyone. Anyway, the point I am making is terrorists is also people. You know, we are not afraid so much of hurricanes and tornadoes and this and that.
We are afraid of other people injuring us. But the fear of terrorists is widespread. But another equally, another fear, second fear which has been added in people’s lives today is the fear of rejection.
Fear of rejection. That we may try to enter into a relationship with someone or we may have entered into a relationship with someone and we will be rejected by that person. So, it’s mostly in spousal relationships.
But it can be in other relationships also. The children may feel insecure, my parents may reject me. The parents may feel that if we try to pressurise our children so much, they may just reject us and they want to live their own lives.
So, again if you see, this is a relational fear. It is a fear of relationships. So, basically people today are very much afflicted because of relationships.
When we say that mental health problems have gone up a lot in today’s world, one major relationship, one major reason, there can be many different reasons for this, but one major reason is that if relationships are stable and secure, they keep the mind calm. How does that work? See, all of us have our minds which agitate us. Everybody gets angry.
Anger is something which is there in everyone. But some people may express their anger by just a silent treatment. I won’t talk with you.
Some people may express their anger by picking up a gun and shooting people. It’s a very different expression of anger. So, all of us have anger within us.
And what is it that determines which person will just express their anger by silence and by somebody picking up their guns? Again, there can be many reasons, but in general, it is if we have relationships with others, then those relationships make us more responsible. If I love someone, then if I become angry and shout, I’ll think, you know, what will they think about me? How will they feel about it? I don’t want to hurt them. So, when people get married, the parents make children and the children make parents.
What does it mean children make parents? It means when the child is there, both the parents become more responsible. Now, this life is dependent on us. We have to take care of it.
And sometimes they may feel like doing something, sometimes not feel like doing it. But when there is a relationship and there is a responsibility in the relationship, then those emotions which are there, which are agitating the mind, sometimes I just feel, oh, I don’t want to cook today. I’ll do this.
I’ll do that. We may just, if we are not in a responsible relationship, whatever our mind tells us to do, we may do that. But when we know that I’m in a responsible relationship, I expect it to, the other person expects me, other person depends on me, then that makes us more responsible.
Of course, it depends also on what kind of relationship it is. If somebody relates with drunkards, then that will not make them more responsible, that will make them less responsible. So, I’m talking here about stable, uplifting relationships.
So, again, the point I’m making here is that the relational fears are huge in today’s world. Among the three kleshas, adhyatmik, adhibhautik and adhidaivik. Those caused by the body-mind, those caused by people around us, and those caused by nature.
Among these three, fear of nature, it is there. Storms may come, the weather may be inclement, but to some extent with technological support, with the technological facility, we mitigate it or we predict it and protect ourselves. And there are many diseases, of course, there.
We also have medicines which try to treat the diseases. But relational fears, the adhibhautik klesh is huge. And many people, as I said, the people come to Krishna because they are distressed.
And one of the main distresses that brings people to Krishna is the distress in their relationships. When they feel somebody has betrayed them, somebody has hurt them, somebody has left them, somebody has, they lost a loved one. All these things make people look for something higher.
And it is the relationships with devotees that actually inspires us to practise bhakti. So, if you look back at your own spiritual life, there are many factors which may have come together to inspire you to take up spiritual life. But you will notice that in that, you must have met some devotees whom you liked.
How many of you, when you started practising spiritual life, you felt that, oh, devotees are very nice people, I want to be with them. Isn’t it? Yes, almost everyone. Thank you.
Now, it is, we can’t immediately get attracted to Krishna. The philosophy is also good, but we want to live the philosophy. So, it’s the community that is meant to, we all, we may come to Krishna for a sense of community.
Or even if we don’t come, it is the community that helps us to move on. However, if we are not careful, then the same relationships because of which we come to Krishna, sometimes those relationships themselves may cause us great distress. I was with one, I was doing a seminar on tolerance and I asked devotees, we all have to tolerate many things in our life.
So, what are the things we have to tolerate? So, one devotee very enthusiastically raised his hand. Yes, we have to tolerate devotees. So, I said, yes, it is a good realisation that even if there is some difficulty with devotees, still we tolerate the devotees and we move onwards in our bhakti.
But I said that if we practise bhakti more, then we will realise that it is not just devotees who are, that we are tolerating devotees, it is devotees also who are tolerating us. So, for us, it’s important that we get shelter in devotee association and we give shelter in devotee association. So, that means devotees in the community with each other need to feel sheltered.
Of course, sometimes the nature of the world is that we will experience stress, we will experience distress. That is just the nature of the material world. We can say that all of us have some karma to endure, to exhaust.
And if we have some, that karma is supposed to come through adhibhautik klesh, through the people around us. If the people around us are mostly devotees, then that adhibhautik klesh will come through devotees. So, it’s not that devotees are bad people, but sometimes our karma may come through that.
But that doesn’t mean that we need to, we need to do that. It’s like say, if we are in a place like London, say, it is sometimes, most of the year it is very cold. Somebody may say that, oh, you know, if you are living in London, that means you had the karma to live in a cold place.
And therefore, whenever you are staying at this place, just open all the windows. When you experience the cold, then you are exhausting the karma. If you are avoiding the cold, then you are avoiding your karma.
It’s not like that. Now, there is practical problems that need practical solutions. So, just because some amount of distress is meant to come, doesn’t mean we have to aggravate it.
We have been given human intelligence and we use it to minimise it. In the past also, people may not have such technology, but they had fans. They had some mystic powers by which they would counter the effects of the environment.
So, as devotees, in our interaction with each other, we need to minimise the amount of distress we cause to each other. And that distress can be minimised if we are sensitive. So, again, sensitivity at a physical level is a good example to understand sensitivity at an emotional level.
So, maybe around 15 years ago, I was very sick. And I was sick for almost 3-4 years. And nobody could diagnose what this problem was.
So, I was admitted in the hospital and doctors were doing blood samples to try to find out what is the sickness. So, at one particular point, they had taken so many blood samples that my whole hand had been pricked with the needle. And then the nurse was going to take another blood sample.
That nurse had to spend almost around 10-12 minutes to find a spot which was not pricked. So that the blood sample could be taken. Now, that nurse could have said, my job is to take the blood sample.
If you already got a wound over there, that is your problem. But no, that nurse was sensitive. The injection, the prick has to cause some pain, but let us try to minimise the pain.
So, similarly, just the nature of relationships is that we will all inevitably hurt each other. That’s just what life is. But there are unavoidable hurts and there are avoidable hurts.
When we are sensitive, then we can minimise the hurts that occur in relationships. In the Chaitanya Charita Amrit, there is a story of how Chaitanya Mahaprabhu, when he is in Puri, Jagannath Puri at that time, every year the devotees from Bengal would come, especially for the four months of Chaturmasya, during which Rath Yatra would take place. So, they would come, hundreds of devotees would come in a procession and they would stay in Puri and they would associate with Lord Chaitanya Mahaprabhu.
And during once a journey, Nityananda Prabhu, the intimate associate of Lord Chaitanya, he got angry with Sivananda Sen. Because Sivananda Sen had, because they had been caught up in, some logistic arrangements had not been done properly and Sivananda Sen was in charge of logistics. So, Nityananda Prabhu, in his own transcendental ecstasy, he spoke very harshly to Sivananda Sen.
Now, Sivananda Sen understood. It is Nityananda Prabhu and he is avadhut. But Sivananda Sen had a nephew, Shrikant.
And Shrikant got very upset. He said, Sivananda Sen is also respectable, Vaishnava, he is an elder, how could Nityananda Prabhu have spoken like this? And he got very upset and just walked away. When he walked ahead of the whole party, when he walked ahead and he came to Jagannath Puri in advance.
And in traditional culture, when we go in, in some traditions, when we go in the temple or we go in front of a respectable senior, especially when males offer obeisances, they take out their angavastra, their upper cloth, they take it out and then they offer obeisances. So, Chaitanya Mahaprabhu is a sanyasi and whenever devotees offer obeisances, they take out their upper cloth, put it aside and then offer obeisances. So, Shrikant Sen saw Chaitanya Mahaprabhu and he is offering obeisances.
But he did not take out his upper cloth at that time. So, then Chaitanya Mahaprabhu’s associate was there, Govinda. He told him, you have to take out your upper cloth.
That was the etiquette. But Chaitanya Mahaprabhu, don’t bother. He says, his mind is disturbed.
Don’t disturb it even more. So, there was a proper way to act. The specifics are not important about removing the angavastra.
The point is that, okay, there was a standard way to act. But when somebody is not acting on a standard way, Chaitanya Mahaprabhu did not make an issue of that. He saw that he is disturbed.
Normally he follows the etiquette. Now he is not following. Let’s not make a big issue out of it.
So, Chaitanya Mahaprabhu himself, although he is a sanyasi, absorbed in love for Krishna, but still he showed the sensitivity. Sometimes we just don’t know what people are going through and they may do something which is faulty and we point out their fault. But then they are already burdened by many things and this seems to be another burden.
So, we have to be a little sensitive. That means, so now, till now I have talked about the importance of sensitivity. And this incident will be the way I link to how in religious circles, sometimes the opposite of sensitivity is accepted.
The opposite of sensitivity is judgmentality. Judgemental means that we have a very black and white understanding. This is right and this is wrong.
And if you are doing this, you are a good person. If you are doing this, you are a bad person. So, we, when we are judgemental, we fit people into pre-decided boxes.
And we are observing people and we are doing this, they are good. They are doing this, they are bad. And when we are judgemental, we also tend to put ourselves in a superior position.
But we think that I know what is right and you don’t know what is right. Therefore, it is my position to teach you. So, I will give you a few examples of how a judgemental attitude can alienate people.
And then we can discuss about how we can, how we can balance. So, now, I gave a series of seminars in Brisbane in Australia on cultivating a non-judgemental attitude. And at that time, after that, my devotee lady, she and her husband came and talked with me.
Now, both of them are, they are PhDs, one of them is a scientist, another is a professor. This is what she said the first time she had come to the temple. They are from a Shakta background.
Shakta is where they worship the goddess Shakti. That worship is very common in India. And so, in the worship of the goddess, often people, people who are even religious who go to the temple, they also eat meat.
In the Vedic context, there are different religious practises recommended for people at different levels. And even people who eat meat, they are given some facility by which they can practise and they can grow in their spiritual life. So, anyway, she came to this temple, one temple and when she came there, she saw that there were many, there were some Matajis who were sitting and they were making garlands for the deities.
So, she also went and sat down. And she started joining, making the garlands. And at that time, some senior devotee came over there.
And that senior devotee asked her, did you eat meat? In front of everyone. No, she just didn’t know. She just mutely nodded her head.
And you know, she nodded her head, that senior devotee pulled the flower garland from her hand and flung it on the ground. If you are eating meat, you cannot even touch the flowers that are meant to be offered to the Lord. She went away shattered, crying.
And it is horrible. She just said, I don’t want to come back to this temple ever again. Fortunately, she met other devotees who were more sensitive, more mature.
And now she and her whole family are practising Bhakti. But, here what happened, even if we have some deity worship standard, okay, that people who are following the regulative principles should worship the deities, there is a way to tell people. It is her humility and her service attitude.
She has just come to a temple and she immediately wants to make garlands for the Lord. Instead of appreciating that, what are we doing? This is not to be done. So, even if something is true, truth stops acting as truth if it is not applied with sensitivity and compassion.
Truth stops acting as truth. So, Krishna says in Bhagavad Gita in 3.26, Don’t disturb people’s minds. Engage them in a way by which they can be gradually elevated.
Now, this example may be very graphic. How could anybody be so insensitive? How can you publicly disgrace a person like that? But probably that senior devotee was thinking, I am protecting the standards of deity worship. Yes, you want to protect, but why do we have to publicly hurt someone else for doing that? We have the example of Lord Ram.
When he came from, when he left Ayodhya, when he was banished, at that time there was a fisherman who offered him fish. And Lord Ram accepted his offering. He did not take the fish.
But he accepted the devotion that he was being offered. And he appreciated. He did not reject it.
So, na buddhi bhedam janet, don’t disturb people’s minds. So, when we are judgemental, we think that we know what is right. And this person is not doing the right thing.
And therefore, I have the moral and spiritual right and duty to correct them. Well, there are several things wrong with this presumption. Now, what is right and wrong is also dependent on level.
This is a very important point to understand that. So, imagine there is a father who has two children, two sons. One of them is very good at studies and that student gets always high grade.
Say, in India we have percentage, 80% marks out of 100. The other person just scrapes through and gets 40%. Today, both of them have come with their results.
And both of them have got 60%. Now, the father on seeing the 60%, for the son who is getting 40%, he says, bravo, well done. And the other son says, what have you done? So, now, why the difference? In Hindi you say, shabash, badmash.
So, why the difference? Both of them have got 60%. The difference is because the two are at different levels. So, is 60% good or bad? It depends on what? Level.
So, this brings us to another point that for a person who is at 40%, 60% is a step up. For a person who is at 80%, 60% is a step down. So, what is right and wrong is not simply categorical.
One of the fundamental teachings of the Bhakti tradition, the Bhagavatam, the Bhagavad Gita as well as the Itihasas is that morality is not just categorical. It is also contextual. Morality is categorical means this is the category of right and this is the category of wrong.
Everything that falls in this category is right. Everything that falls in this category is wrong. So, morality is categorical.
That is one understanding. But what the Bhakti tradition tells us is that morality is not just categorical. Yes, there are right things and there are wrong things.
But morality is also contextual. Contextual means depending on the context, something may be right and depending on the context, something may be wrong. So, for someone who has come first time to the temple, the very fact that they want to serve the Lord by making garlands, that is a big right.
Somebody who is regularly practising Bhakti and then they break a regulative principle, then for them it is wrong. So, right and wrong are determined by the context. Context means where people are coming from.
Going back to the earlier example of taking a blood sample, piercing the hand is the right thing for the nurse to do, for the attendant to do. But the context will determine where to pierce. So, context is very important for us to unmake sense of things properly.
So, when we are judgemental, we just reduce reality down to these boxes. This is the box of right, this is the box of wrong. We see things very much in black and white.
And because of this, we just don’t understand what is happening. Why is this happening like this? And we feel, why is this person doing like this? They should not be doing like this. And I have a duty to tell them they shouldn’t be doing like this.
So, when we are judgemental, sometimes we may hurt people. Because we judge them, this is wrong and we come out and tell them this is wrong. And in doing this, we may be wrong.
And in devotee circles, because we have the philosophy, so we think I know what is right. This is the right thing, this is the wrong thing. And we become very quick in passing statements to others.
You are doing this wrong, not doing this right. And because of that, people often feel un-understood. You don’t even know where I am coming from.
Why am I doing this? So, to the extent we recognise this point that people come from different backgrounds and why they may be doing something, we don’t know. See, in general, we judge, we evaluate ourselves by our intentions. Say, for example, I came late today for this programme.
So, I actually wanted to come on time, but the traffic was so much, I couldn’t come on time. So, I’ll say, I’ll judge myself by the intention. That means, I wanted to come but didn’t work out somehow.
But when we judge others, we judge others not by their intentions but by their actions. You are always late. You are irresponsible.
You don’t care for others. You are not punctual. So, this is a basic human weakness that we judge, we evaluate ourselves and we often evaluate ourselves charitably by focussing on our intentions.
But when we are looking at others, we often evaluate them uncharitably by looking at their actions. So, when we look at people’s actions, we ascribe certain motivations or certain dispositions to their actions. Motivation means why they are doing it and disposition means it is their habit, it is their tendency to do like that.
So, for example, if I sleep a lot, then if I wake up and say, why do I sleep so much? I was tired. If somebody else sleeps a lot, such a lazy person. So, what happens over here? I am only seeing the action.
Their action and my action may be similar. But what happens is, I will judge myself charitably. But somebody else, if I eat a lot, I was hungry.
Somebody else eats a lot, such a glutton. So, what happens? We can only see people’s actions. We can’t see what is going on in their minds.
We can’t see what is going on in their hearts. Now, based on the actions that we see, we presume, we make assumptions about what is going on in their hearts. And based on these presumptions, we assign labels to people.
So, this often leads to what psychologists call as ascription errors. We ascribe certain motivations or we ascribe certain dispositions to people. So, somebody, once I was with a devotee and the devotee was always talking very loudly.
And I was like, what was happening was that I was doing some work in another room and this devotee was talking so loudly that I couldn’t do that work. So, I was thinking, why is this devotee so insensitive? And then, I was thinking, maybe, all kinds of thoughts come in. Maybe, this devotee just wants so much attention.
Other people are also talking with each other. You are not the only person talking in the room. That you want everyone else to hear what you are talking.
Stop talking to yourself and just hear me. So, all sorts of thoughts were going on in my mind. Not very directly, but they were going on.
And I was just looking again and again at that devotee. And then, the devotee who was talking told me, he said, actually, that devotee, he has severe hearing problem. And he has just lost his hearing aid.
So, till he gets back, he is talking. Because he can’t hear what he is speaking. So, he is speaking loudly.
So, normally, we would consider somebody speaking loudly. Why is he speaking so loudly? So, we say, this is not polite. But, if I understand the context, then it makes much more sense.
So, if we see right and wrong only in terms of category, speaking so loudly, that’s wrong. But then, not just categorical, we look at context. Why are they doing like this? What is the situation? I do not know about it.
So, to the extent, we learn to at least be open to the context. Understand the context. But then, we will curb in our judgemental nature.
Of course, there are right and wrong things. And there is a time when what is wrong needs to be communicated to people. But whether this is the time, whether we are the person to do that, and whether what we are saying will have the desirable effect on that, that is something which we have to consider.
So, tomorrow I will talk more about the metaphor of surgeon. Sometimes it is said that the sadhu’s words, the spiritually advanced person’s words are like a surgeon’s knife, surgeon’s scalpel. They are meant to cut people’s ignorance and their attachments.
And they are meant to illuminate them. Yes, that is a purpose in devotee interaction also. But we can’t assume that I am a surgeon.
And more importantly, we can’t assume that everyone is my patient. So, we have to see what is our relationship with them and not just what is our relationship with them, but how they perceive our relationship. If they think I am also a surgeon, why are you criticising me? Then it will not work.
So, I will talk about that method. The point I am making over here is that there is a place for understanding right and wrong. And there is a place for communicating right and wrong.
But we can’t presume that whatever the situation, this is the place for communicating right and wrong. Sensitivity means in my interactions, I should try to minimise the amount of hurt I may cause to others. And that means I look at people’s behaviours and not just fit them into convenient categories of right and wrong, but I be open to understand what is the context from which they are coming.
I write articles on the Gita every day at GitaDilji.com. So many times I try to, in those articles, I try to summarise the content of the article in one title, one sentence. And that sentence becomes a tool for reflection. So one article I wrote about humility.
So humility means to acknowledge the complexity of reality. Humility means to acknowledge the complexity of reality. So if somebody is speaking loudly, why are they speaking loudly? I do not know.
I shouldn’t have seen that the reality is so simple. They just want attention, that’s why they are speaking loudly. Or they are so rude, that’s why they are speaking loudly.
No, reality may be much more complex than what I know. So humility means to acknowledge the complexity of reality. To the extent we acknowledge this complexity, to that extent we will avoid judgmentality.
I just, I may not know enough right now. I can’t pass a judgemental comment if I don’t know enough. So that way humility is a cardinal virtue for devotees.
And humility and sensitivity are related. If we have humility, then we won’t become judgemental about others and then we won’t make insensitive comments. Humility means I don’t know enough to pass a judgement about this.
Therefore, better let me not make any comment. Let me restrain myself. So that way we will avoid unnecessary confrontation and provocation of others.
So sometimes we feel I have to put this person in their place. Now instead of putting others in their place, put yourself in their place. Put yourself in their place.
Okay, I know this person, sensible person, good person, why are they acting like that? Now if tomorrow I was acting like that, I would probably have some reason why I would do this. Otherwise I would not do that. So maybe they may also be having a reason for it.
Sometimes we feel I have to put others in their place. You are wrong and I am going to tell you you are wrong. Before we put others in their place, it is better that we put ourselves in their place.
Try to understand that context. And sometimes we ourselves may behave in ways that may seem odd to others. And we wouldn’t want others to judge us and condemn us without understanding us.
So we sometimes, some person says you are like this, you are like that. We, if we look back at our own lives, sometimes we ourselves may have been the brunt of others’ judgemental attitude. We have done something and somebody else says you are like this, you are like that, you are like that.
And then we may feel, we may be terribly hurt by that. Do you even know what was going on? You tell them, how could you speak like this without even finding out? So just as we wouldn’t want others to pass negative comments about us without at least understanding where we are coming from. Similarly, we can put ourselves in their place.
Why should I pass comments about others? So sensitivity can help us to decrease the negativity and agitation in our relationship with others. And it can help us find and share greater shelter in the devotee community. So in tomorrow’s session, I’ll talk about how we, if we have to correct others or we have to tell right is right and wrong, how we can do that sensitively.
How the opposite, how sensitivity does not mean sentimentality. That means anything and everything, if it feels bad to you, I’ll not tell you. If it feels good to you, you can do it.
No, there are good and bad things and they have to be communicated. But how we can even communicate, communicate things about, communicate right and wrong things in a sensitive way, that I’ll talk in tomorrow’s session. I’ll summarise what I spoke and then we can have some questions.
I spoke today about how, what we all, what is the importance of sensitivity in our spiritual life. So I started by talking about in today’s world, people are profoundly distressed at the relational level. Two of the biggest fears, which have been added to the top ten fears in the century, are relational fears, fear of terrorists and fear of rejection.
Most people come to spirituality for a sense of community because they’ve been burned in their relationships. Our modern society is not just nuclear families, but just atomic units we are wandering around. So we want to belong to somewhere bigger.
So we need to ourselves get shelter in the devotee community. And when people come, we also need to be able to give them shelter. So the relationships are vital for our own, fulfilling our own need for relationships.
And also relationships are important with respect to our relationship with Krishna. That how we relate with God is reflected by, how we relate with people reflects and affects how we relate with Krishna. The first characteristic of a devotee is how they are compassionate towards others.
Then I talked about sensitivity means we are aware of the effects of our actions on others. And physically, if somebody can’t hear, we modulate our speech properly. Similarly, others may have some emotional sore spots.
We need to be aware of that and modulate our behaviour accordingly. And then I talked about how in religious circles sometimes we may not be sensitive because we feel we have a right, we know the right thing and we have the right to tell others the right thing. Which means telling them that they are wrong.
So we may often become judgemental. The problem is that truth stops acting as truth if it is not presented compassionately. If it is presented insensitively, give the example of somebody being told, condemned for eating meat and making garlands, things like that.
So then how can we develop sensitivity by understanding that right and wrong are not just categorical, they are also contextual. So what is wrong or bad for one person may be good for another person. 60% may be bad for 80% student, but may be good for a 40% student.
So humility means to understand the complexity of reality that we don’t know the context from which people are coming. And if we have the humility to not pass comments about others, but try to enquire about the context, then we will arrive at a better understanding. And we judge ourselves charitably based on our intentions and judge others uncharitably based on their actions.
Because on seeing their actions we ascribe certain motivations or certain dispositions to them, which may not at all be true. So rather than putting others in their place, we can strive to put ourselves in their place and become open to understanding where they are coming from. Thus if we develop sensitivity, then we can minimise the distress that we experience in our interaction with the other.
And thus we can have more shelter in the demonic community by which we can advance towards the supreme shelter of Krishna. Thank you very much. Hare Krishna.
So are there any questions or comments? Yes, one more microphone. You know, in the earlier you mentioned about terrorism. The terrorists attack people unarmed, unalert, unequipped.
So in that category, you give the example Ashwathama did in that category. How does an Afro-Brahmana, especially Brahmacharya’s son, in this way, what impact did he have in this way? So how could Ashwathama act in such a heinous way to kill Pandava children? Yes, Hare Krishna. Thank you.
So in general, everybody has reason for their actions. Now whether that reason is valid or not, that is to be seen. So hurt people hurt people.
When I am hurt by someone, I hurt the other person. But when we are hurt, our emotions take over and then we lose a sense of proportion. Suppose I am walking along and somebody steps on my leg.
I may feel hurt. But if I get angry and take a knife and stab them because of that, that’s a completely disproportionate reaction. I am hurt.
I have reason to be annoyed or angry. But I can’t go and stab someone. So similarly, Ashwathama, he felt that his father had been killed unfairly.
So Drona was killed on the 15th day of the Kurukshetra war. And he felt the Pandavas who killed his father unfairly, they also deserve to be killed unfairly. And that’s why, that’s how he rationalised what he had done.
However, if we see the situation, it was not that Drona was killed unfairly. Drona was killed in an unfair way but it was not an organised conspiracy. The whole background story is that, by the way, how many of you are not aware of the Mahabharata at all? Because then this whole context may seem a little strange.
I will keep this answer brief and we can talk more. But anyway, the point that the Pandavas, Yudhishthira did tell Drona that Ashwathama has been killed. And that’s why Ashwathama, Drona put his weapon down.
The Pandavas plan at that time that after Drona is disarmed, has put down his arms, they will arrest him. And they will keep him in house arrest till the war gets over. They respected him as their teacher and they didn’t desire to kill him.
If that was what they had to do, they would do it. But at least at that time their plan was to arrest him. So things went as per plan, Ashwathama and Drona put his weapons down and he started going into meditation.
Just closed his eyes and started going in trance. So at that time, Dhrishtadyumna, who had been born because of his father’s desire to take revenge against Drona, he grabbed that opportunity and charged towards Drona. At that time, Arjuna shouted at him, stop.
Several other Pandava warriors told him, stop, you cannot do this. But without listening to anyone, he lopped off the head of Drona. Now there was almost a split among the Pandavas at that time.
Arjuna was so angry, Arjuna wanted to punish Dhrishtadyumna for what he had done. But then Krishna tried to calm them down. The point was that the Pandavas did not in an organised way conspire to kill a defenceless Drona.
So Drona was killed wrongly, that’s true. And if at all he felt that Drona had been killed wrongly, he could have killed Dhrishtadyumna. But he rationalised, he was hurt and he felt that because they have killed him unfairly, I have a right to kill them unfairly.
And then he decided that he not only killed Dhrishtadyumna when he was sleeping, something similar to Drona. Drona was not conscious at that time, lopped off his head. But he killed Dhrishtadyumna very bitterly.
Dhrishtadyumna was sleeping and he crushed him by kicking him again and again and again and again brutally till he died. So he did not just lop off his head, he caused him much more pain. But then he didn’t stop there.
He killed everyone. Although most of them were defenceless, unalert. So at that time he lost his whole moral bearing.
So we can say that our past hurts can explain our actions. Sorry, our past hurts can explain our emotions. But they don’t excuse our actions.
That means he was hurt and we can know why he was so hurt. And his feeling of resentment, anger, it’s all true. Our past hurts can explain our emotions.
But they don’t excuse our actions. We may feel in a particular way but still we have a responsibility to act in a proper way. So he lost sense of perspective over there.
Thank you. Yes, please. So when we see that the modes are affecting us and they are preventing us from modulating our reactions, then what do we do? Sometimes we may just overreact.
But we all can learn by experience. If we are going on a road for the first time and there is a bump over there, we don’t know, we get jolted. But next time when we go on that road, we slow down because we know there is a bump over there.
Similarly, if we look at our life, we can ourselves understand which are the situations when I get provoked. And then if we sense that that kind of situation is approaching now, then that time itself we slow down. So, for example, it may happen that at the end of a long exhausting day of work, somebody does something and that just irritates us.
So then if we know that in advance, then we may plan in advance that high voltage issues I will not take at the end of the day. So we all have a prominent mode which we are functioning, but we all are sometimes in the mode of goodness. At that time we can reflect.
So certain things may happen just because of the force of situations, a force of our conditionings. But when we are in the mode of goodness, we can reflect. And then we can understand, OK, in this situation I do like this.
So in the mode of goodness, if we do self observation, then we can come up with plans about how to avoid getting provoked or how to avoid getting into provocative situations. Sometimes it may not be possible to avoid, but many times it is. So if we can avoid, not necessarily avoid entirely, but at least postpone.
Let’s deal with this when both of us are calm. Let’s deal with it at a time and place where both of us can have a proper discussion. That’s the first thing.
Preparation can minimise problems quite a bit. Second is that we all need to find out some kind of pause button that works for us. That means that when our emotions are pushing us in a particular direction, it’s like if there is a movie that is playing or an audio track that is playing, there’s stop, play and there’s pause.
So pause. Let me not do anything right now. Let me pause.
Let me take. Then how do we pause? There are various ways. We might just say, let me take deep breaths.
See our breathing is very closely related to our emotions. Slow down our breathing, our emotions also slow down. The mind’s speed is sometimes, especially the mind’s speed because of wild emotions, is reflected in our breathing speed.
So if we slow down the breathing, the mind also slows down to some extent. Let me take deep breaths. Or let me say, when I’m angry, I will chant some mantras.
Chant the Hare Krishna mantra one round or a few mantras. Only then I’ll speak. If I had to speak something.
Or we may decide that if we have some quotes about the danger of anger, the danger of offending others, we can keep those quotes in our phone with us and look at those quotes. It will remember us. I find one quote that those who anger us conquer us.
Sometimes some people deliberately want to provoke us and then they make us do some things which they will hold against us. Just see it like that. Those who anger us conquer us.
So we keep some quotes like that, which will remind us. So basically we can create a pause button for ourselves. And lastly, we all need to practise bhakti diligently by which we start going beyond the influence of the emotions.
So the process of bhakti does have a gradual purificatory effect. But if we practise bhakti sincerely, then just at that time the emotion is about to take over us. That time Krishna will remind us, don’t do this.
So if during the time when we are practising bhakti, we show Krishna sincerely, I want to serve you, Krishna. Then Krishna will give us the intelligence at that time to pause, to check ourselves. Thank you.
Any other questions or comments? Just can we want to just reoccur all the time. It’s like a homecoming. Every few days this situation happens.
How do we deal with that? So if a provocative situation keeps reappearing every few days, how do we deal with that? Broadly we have to, just going back to the road example, that bump is there anyway. So what do I do about it? I just learn to live with it. I slow down.
Every time I come near the bump, I just slow down and move forward. Or if I don’t want to do that, then I find some other road to go along and get to my destination by some other road. So I would say that if we find that provoking situations come up repeatedly, then either the two people, they are of such a nature that they are not able to get along with each other so well.
So then you might just need to have a little distance in that relationship. Not that you have to break the relationship, but often we may expect something in the relationship which is just not going to be fulfilled. So then if we understand this person is like that, some people just forget things.
Every time we tell them something is important, they forget it. Then if once happens, twice happens, thrice happens, then we might get angry again and again. Then we realise by my anger I am only wasting my emotion.
It’s not going to change them. Then stop expecting them to change. Understand they are like that.
And then if something important is there, then we have to remind it to them. Again and again and again. Or then we don’t give that kind, don’t expect that kind of things on them.
Tell somebody else to do that. So I was staying with some devotees and the devotee couple, the husband is very forgetful. So every time, both husband and wife are working.
So every time the Prabhu goes to office or comes back from office, before he starts off, his wife calls him. Have you taken this, this, this, this? Every day she does that. So he was driving me from the temple back to the home and his wife called.
Have you taken this, this, this, this? So he said yes. And as she was telling him, yes, yes. Oh, I have not taken this.
He went and got it there. So then I asked him, doesn’t it feel demeaning that every time you are travelling, every time she tells you like this? He says, no. He says, this is my weakness.
I know that. And she is helping me. And he says that, you know, she is not very good at finances.
He says, I take care of all the finances. So sometimes instead of, instead of condemning people, instead of condemning, we can compliment them. Not compliment in the sense that, compliment means not L-I-M-E-N-T, L-E-M-E-N-T.
Compliment is appreciate, compliment is also to complete. You are good at this, I am good at this, let’s be a team together. So sometimes we just have to, if repeated negative interaction is there, just stop expecting something from some people.
It may be difficult because it may be very easy for us, you know, it’s so obvious, why can’t you do this? But again the problem comes because we see how easy it is from our context. For us to remember things may be very easy. But when we compare with others, instead of comparing their weakness with our strength, we can compare their weakness with our weakness.
So, if say, somebody is very forgetful of things. But then somebody else is very good at finances, you know, you invest money here and increase, you do this, this. Now, if I think, you know, it’s so difficult for me to decide where to invest money, how to do this.
But just as this is difficult for me, that is difficult for them. So, if we see that different people are coming from different contexts, then we will compare what they find difficult with something else which we find difficult. Not how easy it is for me.
Because I have my own mind and body. So that’s one way. That sometimes we just have to learn to live with it.
And the second could be that we need to have proper communication. We sometimes just sit and talk and explain how this is so important for us and how this makes us so disturbed when it is not done. Many times what happens, two people have some issues, but instead of talking with each other, we talk about each other.
A has some issue with B, but A doesn’t talk with B, A talks with C. And then C talks with D. And D talks with B. And you know, every time what happens, by the time it goes to C and D, it also becomes exaggerated. And then B says, oh, A says like this about me. And then B says, you know what A does? And then A tells D. And D tells C. And then it comes back, oh, it says like that about me.
It just becomes worse and worse. So, of course, sometimes if we have a close confidant, a close friend whom we can just unburden our emotions sometimes, that is good. But they need to be able to keep confidences.
So, in general, if we have some issue with someone, it is good to talk with them instead of talking about them. And we talk with them and clearly explain in a non-accusatory way. Not that you are so irresponsible.
But, you know, when you don’t do this, I feel very hurt. Because this is so important for me for this, this, this. So, when we make it objective, basically we need to learn to separate people from their weaknesses.
What happens is, we, tomorrow I will talk about the three modes and how they affect our perception of others. When we equate, you are so irresponsible. Then immediately people feel defensive.
How can you call me irresponsible? But when we stick to facts, when you do like this, when you forget to do this, it just irritates me. Because this is so important. Whatever.
When we stick to facts, separate people’s behaviour from the people, then what happens? People don’t feel personally threatened. Generally, in close relationships, people don’t want to hurt each other. It just happens.
That is the way of the world. But if they understood, okay, this is going to hurt you so much, then very often they may not do that. Either we decrease our expectations by becoming more understanding of their weaknesses or we communicate clearly.
Okay. Thank you. Jai Krishna.
So, can we stop here, please? So, thank you very much. Ishta Prabhupada ki. Jai.
Gaur Bhakta Vrinda ki. Jai. Itai Gaur Premanande.
Hari Hari. So, let’s thank Chaitanya Chauhan Guru with three loud Hari Gaur. Hari Gaur.
Hari Gaur. Hari Gaur. Can’t wait for the session tomorrow.