How can we be affectionate without being attached?

From: Shivam Saraogi

Please explain the paradox “Being affectionate without being attached.” Generally, if we are affectionate to someone, we tend to become attached to that person. Same is the case with loving: if we love everyone, aren’t we attached?

Transcript

This is an AI-generated transcript and may contain some errors.
question from Shivam Sarogi Prabhu please explain the paradox, being affectionate without being attached generally if we are affectionate to someone, we tend to become attached to that person, same is the case with loving, if we love everyone, aren’t we attached, answer the difference between affection and attachment is the difference between love at the spiritual level and love at the material level, now the words affection and attachment in dictionary may have certain specific meanings but when they are used in the devotee circle, they have specific connotations and affection is love at the spiritual level, attachment is love at the material level, now what is the difference between the two loves only a simple way to understand the difference is if we love somebody at a material level whenever we interact with that person, we think what can that person do for me and at a spiritual level we think what can I do for that person this is of course a very generic understanding and the broad attitude is important so spiritual also means much more, not just what I can do for that person but what can I do for that person so that that person is ultimately benefited ultimately benefited means that person is also a soul like me and that person is also ultimately looking for the love of Krishna and how can I help that person to develop that love for Krishna and thereby become eternally happy love at the material level may also have some elements where we want to do something for others but there is also the foundational misunderstanding, the foundational ignorance that we think that that person is the body and we think that we are the body and often the love at the material level perpetuates one’s illusions and perpetuates the illusions of others also by making them think that love satisfaction, security and happiness can be found at the material level so being affectionate means that we try to deal with people in a way by which they become inspired, encouraged, guided in moving forward towards Krishna and attached means that we are often thinking that this person should not leave me, this person should not should do what I want that person to do and this person is so important for me but what is the reason that that person is important often it is that we have some desire that we want to vicariously enjoy through that person at a material level that means what we could not do we want to do through that person and get second hand enjoyment so to understand the difference between affection and attachment let’s consider the examples of Vidura, Duryodhana and Dhritharashtra Dhritharashtra was attached to Duryodhana and he the symptoms of his attachment were many first is that he couldn’t say no to Duryodhana even if what Duryodhana was requesting was bad for him and bad for the whole dynasty and he just couldn’t displease him so what he wanted was that Duryodhana be stay with him, be pleased with him and even if Duryodhana did something that was not good that was also intolerable for him, now what was the reason for his attachment actually Dhritharashtra wanted to vicariously enjoy the position of the king because of his blindness he did not have the opportunity to inherit the kingdom from Chitrangada or Chitravirya, the previous generation and he wanted that his son should get what I did not get, this can be at one level a noble ambition for parents that what I did not get let my children get but at the same time if in the name of that we indulge the children and we let them do things which are harmful for them then that could be that can be a harmful attachment, an undesirable mode of relating with them so attachment means that we just want to please that person without considering that person’s long term benefit, in Dhritharashtra Duryodhana’s case Dhritharashtra did not think of the long term benefit even at the material level or to speak of spiritual level, at the material level becoming inimical towards the Pandavas in the long run was not going to be helpful and what to speak of the spiritual level going against the devotees of Krishna and going against Krishna himself so in that sense attachment is very harmful for healthy relationships although there may seem to be very close relationships in modern language in self-help books and books on relationship and in psychology the term that they use is not attachment but dependency, when one person is emotionally dependent on another person then that person’s life becomes controlled by the other person, in a marriage one spouse becomes emotionally dependent on the other then that person can’t think, the person who is emotionally dependent can’t think clearly can’t think of what’s long term good can’t think of the spouse long term good and just does whatever the spouse demands no matter how harmful, how humiliating how undesirable those demands may be, unreasonable those demands may be so that is attachment now affection if you look at modern usage uses dependency dependence, independence and interdependence so dependence is the level of material attachments and now if we translate this terminology from into our Vedic perspective and Vedic now independence means the idea that I am all alone, I can do whatever I want, I don’t need anyone actually that can roughly be said to be the gyani idea, that we don’t need any relationships, on the other hand the bhakti idea is interdependency that we are actually connected with Krishna we have a relationship with Krishna and our relationship with Krishna also depends on our relationship with all of Krishna’s children especially those of Krishna’s children who are in our present situation placed in close proximity to us physically, emotionally professionally, socially whatever so at the level of affection we reciprocate emotionally with others, we are sensitive to the emotions of others and we try to accommodate and please them but at the same time we don’t let the other person’s demands jeopardize or compromise our values and our long term interests our spiritual values of how we need to be fixed in our Krishna consciousness and our and that person’s long term interests of how ultimately all of us have to turn towards Krishna so we can definitely be affectionate without being attached and of course at a functional level we shouldn’t get into a paralysis of thinking oh am I affectionate am I attached, no we should be able to show to exhibit humility and tolerance and sensitivity and kindness to others in our dealings, at the same time that doesn’t mean that we have to accommodate and accept everything that they say an important part of relationships is saying yes, even when we feel like saying no, if that other person is telling something that is important and is good for us and on the other hand equally important part of developing healthy relationships is having the willingness to say no when what that person is asking for is not in the long term interests and especially not in the spiritual interests of that person or us so this is the broad understanding of how we can be affectionate without being attached by basing those relationships in the context of our long term values and interests that is our relationship with Krishna and orienting all our actions and decisions in that light rather than just basing a good example of affection without attachment is Vidura’s relationship with Dhritarashtra Vidura was often disrespected by Dhritarashtra also at one time when Vidura strongly recommended that Dhritarashtra be not biased in his dealings with the Pandavas and the Kauravas Dhritarashtra got very angry and banished Vidura and Vidura promptly left the palace and then afterwards Dhritarashtra felt very remorseful and then Dhritarashtra sent Sanjay back so this was after the Pandavas had been exiled so Vidura went and joined the Pandavas in their exile and just as he was settling down with them at that time Sanjay came along and Sanjay said that Dhritarashtra is feeling very apologetic and is asking that please return back you are my counselor and you are my friend and my brother please be with me and then Dhritarashtra acceded to his request and went back because he still had the hope that Vidura that Dhritarashtra was not ignorant, Dhritarashtra was actually wise but his wisdom had been perverted by his attachment and he was hoping that he could save him from his suicidal course that’s why he went back and he was hoping that he tried his best also to make Dhritarashtra see sense but when he found that Dhritarashtra was doing more and more foolish things being under the influence of the malevolent Duryodhana then he eventually decided that he couldn’t help him and he left the place but just because he left the place doesn’t mean that he ended the relationship with Dhritarashtra eventually later on when the cause of that rift was gone Duryodhana had been killed in the battlefield of Kurukshetra Vidura went back and helped him and delivered him at that time by giving him good counsel and Dhritarashtra at that time was ready to hear it so affection it means that we try to help others but at the same time we also recognize our limitations and other people’s conditionings and then sometimes in certain situations a certain distancing in the relationships may be required so that the other person can regain perspective and then become more congenially disposed, more open minded to listen to reason and wisdom so if at that time Dhritarashtra had stayed with Dhritarashtra and complied with his evil trickeries then he would have become attached and he would have become implicated so attachment would be do whatever the other person wants us to do even if that is not good or that is immoral or that is harmful and hard heartedness means if that person doesn’t agree we just reject that person completely affection which means that we help the person depend as much as that person is ready to help and we are ready to extend ourselves but at the same time in extending ourselves we don’t let our principles be compromised and when that person is not ready to help then we recognize the limitations and we still have affection and disposition but we wait for the right time when that person can actually receive.
Thank you.