How can we stop being resentful towards others?

Transcript

This is an AI-generated transcript and may contain some errors.
What could be some tactics to stop being resentful towards people? It works at three levels.
If you consider any interaction with anyone, there is I, there is the other person and there is the interaction between us. Now, we have to see what is the cause of the resentment. And based on that, we will have to appropriately deal with it.
So some people just can’t get along with some people. That’s the way people are. So that doesn’t mean that they have to be mortal enemies.
But sometimes two people, if they have a certain level of incompatibility, they may just need some distance. Now, when we come too close to each other, the friction happens. We keep some level of distance and we can function.
This is saying that good fences make good neighbors. So, this mango has grown, this apple has grown in my house. No, it’s in my courtyard.
So both of them can start fighting. It was a clearly demarcated border. No, this is in my courtyard.
Fine. Or sometimes by dealing with some people where there is a certain level of difference or incompatibility, just having a proper defined fence. That can help some people.
You can we need to show that there’s a lot of incompatibility. Then we may decide that I will not interact so often or I’ll interact in a more more formal setting or we’ll keep it not so intimate. See, when interactions hurt is when we have expectations from others and they don’t live up to the expectations.
You know, if I meet someone and I expect that person to give me a hug and instead that person gives me a punch, what happened? So, but if I know this person is inimical to me, then I’ll not get so close to either be hugged or punched. Isn’t it? So, it’s when we expect affection and then we get apathy or we get antipathy, then we feel very resentful. Sometimes we just have to change the expectation.
And this is the distance at which I will be and this is how I interact. Then the resentment can be avoided. The second is sometimes it just with respect to.
So, this is with respect to that person is like that. I am like this. Things can’t be changed.
Just keep some distance. So, that could be one way of dealing with it. The second is that sometimes under certain situations, interactions become explosive.
Interactions become negative. Now, we all go through different phases in our life and we all come under pressure. So, if we know that there are certain situations when the, when people are likely to behave in unreasonable ways.
So, then it’s best not to confront them at that time. So, we can try to decide when the interaction takes place. Sometimes when people are doing something wrong, we have to confront.
But what happens is we don’t plan the confrontation. Usually we think of our emotions in two ways. This I am going to talk elaborately in the next session.
We will think of either expressing our emotions or repressing our emotions. You know, I am angry at someone and I just blast at that person. Or I just repress my emotions internally.
Actually, both are unhealthy. But there is a third option. Beyond expressing our emotions and repressing our emotions is processing our emotions.
So, with respect to interaction relationship, processing is very important. So, if I recognize, okay, you know, I am angry and I have reason to be angry. At this particular point, maybe after a long day’s work, somebody has come and they are exhausted.
And at that time, I start accusing them or I start hurling allegations at them. Even if what I am saying is genuine. It’s true.
So, they are likely to explore. So, maybe we planned in such a way. Tell them that, you know, this is the time we have to talk something important.
We plan the interaction properly. Then the unhealthy or the provocative reactions coming, probability is lesser. So, we plan the interaction.
That can also help. The third aspect is with respect to we ourselves. Sometimes, you know, we may have to just recognize that I have to toughen myself.
This person is just the way they are. And sometimes it may not be possible to create a distance. There is a difference between being insensitive and being desensitized.
What is the difference? Say, suppose I have got some paralysis or something over here. I am desensitized. And somebody taps me on the shoulder.
I don’t turn on me. They tap me, tap me, tap me. How rude you are.
I won’t talk with you. They tap, tap, tap. I don’t sense it only.
So, then we have to… It’s not that they are insensitive. They don’t care for it. They are not sensing it.
So, then you tap somewhere. Oh, what happened? Okay. I will notice it.
So, sometimes some people may do something which just annoys us, which aggravates us. But that’s often because that is important for… That is… That particular thing is important for us, but that is not important for them. So, all of us, based on our upbringing, our education, our inclination, we all find certain things important.
Say, for example, for some of us, cleanliness may be very important. For some people, they just come to a room and they’re five minutes in the room and it appears as if a volcano has erupted over there. What did you do? And then they don’t even notice.
Oh, really? Suddenly they didn’t even notice. So, it’s not that they are doing it to irritate us. But it’s just in the way they are.
Now, we will have to deal with it properly. But it’s like what happens is when they do something which irritates us, we think that they are doing it to irritate me. But they are not doing it because of that.
They are not insensitive. They are desensitized. They just don’t think about it.
I am an author. So, I like to write and spell things carefully. In India, for most people, English is the second language.
So, many times the punctuation, the spellings, they are atrociously wrong. So, anytime I go into a room, the first thing I do is look at all spellings. And sometimes I tell somebody that the spelling is wrong.
Nobody notices. Why are you noticing? So, I get irritated by that. But over a period of time, I recognize that it’s not important for other people.
So, sometimes we just have to… If it is important for me, then I may have to change it. To expect others to change may not work. So, it’s not that when we are becoming resentful, it’s not that they are deliberately doing it.
It’s just that we are sensitive towards something which they are desensitized to. So, then either we have to consciously communicate and explain to them what is wrong and why this is important for us. Otherwise, we may also have to take those steps to take care of it.
So, beyond that, there is another aspect which I will be talking more in the next session. You know, we have horizontal relationships in the world with each other and we have a vertical relationship with our source. Source is known by different names in different traditions.
We refer to him by the name Krishna. So, actually, we all need the shelter of a vertical relationship. If we don’t have that shelter of a vertical relationship, the horizontal relationship will agitate us too much.
So, to the extent we are internally connected through our source, through the process of bhakti yoga, so internally we are sheltered, then we don’t feel rejected or lonely or unworthy. We feel emotionally, internally sheltered. So, once that vertical shelter is strong, then in the horizontal relationships, even if there are ups and downs, we can deal with them.
We can, we will still be agitated, we will still be hurt, but the magnitude will be much less. We will be able to deal with it much more calmly because we don’t feel personally rejected or isolated by that because we are spiritually connected.