Why are divorces more among devotees than nondevotees?

Answer Highlight:

There are hardly any hard surveys on which to base such a big claim.

Nonetheless, problems do sometimes arise partially because we let the philosophy make us more judgmental, not more understanding,  about each others’ physical, emotional, financial and social needs.

Transcript

This is an AI-generated transcript and may contain some errors.
Hare Krishna.
Question. Why are there more divorces among devotees than among non-devotee couples? Answer. What is the basis for this claim? As far as I know, there have been no systematic surveys done within the devotee community, at least not in a systematic authorized way, which stands to standards of statistical scrutiny to make any such claim that the percentage of divorces among devotees is more than the percentage of divorces among non-devotees.
This is one of the widespread social myths within ISKCON. And like all myths, there may be certain, there is certain truth at its root, but often that truth is widely exaggerated. So, yes, it is true that divorces do happen among devotees and because such things are not expected to happen in the devotee community.
So, often when this happens, this becomes a topic for widespread discussion, gossip and suspicion. And devotees may talk about it and non-devotees or connected devotees talk about it also to sort of find fault with devotees. And in that way, these things often get exaggerated disproportionately.
Now, having said that, yes, it is a problem that there are unfortunate divorces in the devotee community. Now, what is the cause of this? At one level, we understand philosophically and we also say the traditional saying that a family that prays together, stays together and how Krishna, how bringing Krishna into the center of our life brings the whole family together. Now, in principle, we hear this, we speak this, but in practice, often within devotee couples, the devotion to Krishna rather than bringing both closer to each other and closer to Krishna is often, devotion to Krishna is instead misused to show the other partner as inferior and oneself as superior.
So, basically in the conflict of egos, that is a part of, it is inevitable part of family life. Now, Krishna should act like a lubricant, our devotion to Krishna should act as a lubricant which minimizes the friction. But instead, in many cases, the devotion to Krishna is used, becomes the ego’s tool for one-upsmanship.
That means, because I am such a strict devotee, I am better than you. And therefore, whatever, whatever I say is right or something or whatever it comes up. So, when this sort of thing happens, then things become quite bitter.
So, of course, marital psychology itself is a very complex subject and I will not go into that. But I am just talking about one way in which the devotional philosophy can be misapplied and that can harm relationships. So, we have to understand that every individual at the essence of the soul, but the soul is covered by a body and a mind.
And accordingly, one has physical needs, one has emotional needs, one has financial needs, one has social needs. And these needs should not be just dismissed away as material attachments. At one level, we can say that they are material attachments.
But just by labeling something as a material attachment, the material attachment does not go away. There is a process for purifying it. And the process was the basis for Varnashrama Dharma in the past.
So, the point is, we should not dismiss other people’s. If one partner has more physical, emotional, financial, social needs than another partner, then the other partner, both are devoted, the other partner should not use that to shame the other person or to try to prove oneself superior. If our devotional advancement increases our ego and we use our devotional advancement as a tool to expand our ego, then we are actually missing the purpose of bhakti and we are missing how grahastha ashram is meant to help us advance in bhakti.
The whole point is that our devotion should bring us closer to each other and closer to Krishna. Now, closer to each other, what does it mean? Closer to each other means to become more understanding, not more judgmental. So, yes, it may be that within a marriage.
Now, there are many various different kind of standards which devotees try to follow. And it’s good to follow high standards. But we also have to understand that the following of the high standards has to come up voluntarily and it should grow organically.
So, if there is no understanding, rather there is just simply judgment about the other person because the person is not following standards, then when there is a judgmental attitude, then the relationship cannot develop. In fact, then the whole relationship becomes like living in a minefield and when an explosion will happen, one cannot know. So, therefore, this is a possible problem that can come up because of a misapplication of the philosophy.
So, one has to understand that we need to develop our Krishna bhakti should enhance our relationship with our spouse and that make us more understanding about each other, not that we become more judgmental about the other person. And yes, just as we have some anarthas, the spouse also has some anarthas. Now, if we use some, if a person uses another person’s anarthas to shame that person, that person will use the first person’s anarthas to shame that person.
And then, then where is the friendliness? Where is the affection? Where is the positive result of bringing Krishna in the center? So, this can become a problem. And so, rather than bringing Krishna in the center, we use Krishna to put ourselves in the center and we try to prove ourselves to be superior. So, this is not just within marriage.
This can happen in every field. It can happen even in spiritual circles explicitly, where sometimes some devotees who are in a position of authority may try to put themselves in the center. And it happens in religions at large where the religion claims to be the best religion because it is my religion.
I claim my religion to be the best religion. Why? Because it is my religion. So, that ego can hijack anywhere.
And that’s why the, you know, in the process of bhakti, humility is more important than renunciation. Shri Chaitanya Mahaprabhu in Shikshashtakam is talking about the topmost principles for chanting and attaining love for Krishna. But therein, He brings humility and tolerance first.
And then renunciation comes thereafter. So, without developing proper humility, without recognizing that we are all sadhakas, we are all struggling with our own kind of anarthas and we need to be humble ourselves and be tolerant towards others. Without doing that, if we let our so-called following of standards become a reason for our pride, for pride to increase, then we are missing the process of bhakti.
We are missing the essence of bhakti. So, by giving humility and tolerance, the due importance in a relationship and also within bhakti. So, that means there are two different dimensions.
Humility and tolerance are important for our relationship with Krishna and humility and tolerance are important for our relationship with others, including our spouses also. So, therefore, by recognizing the importance of humility and tolerance, we can become more understanding, not more judgmental about others. And that can help in strengthening relationships also.
And overall, one more important point is that there have not been adequate systems of guidance also. So, often within our devotee community, now as there are various places, there are senior grhasthas who are either counselors or mentors and who are acting as mature guides and are able to guide younger devotees about how to bring maturity in their practice of bhakti and in their practice of bhakti, especially in the grhastha ashram. So, when we take guidance from proper sources and one with maturity applies, then one will find that actually the relationships are much healthier and better among devotees than among non-devotees.
So, if Krishna is the center, then certainly this divorce and things like that will be far, far lesser than in non-devotee communities. But unfortunately, sometimes either intentionally or more often unintentionally, we use, we end up letting our standards become, letting Krishna, using Krishna as a tool to put ourselves in the center and letting our standards become a cause for showing the other person as inferior rather than becoming sources of mutual encouragement and inspiration. Thank you.
Hare Krishna.